if i died young.

I'm young and green.

I'm still trying to anchor my roots into the earth. I still thirst for the cool puddle of water, aching to taste something. I still reach for my ray of sunlight, so that my shadow will make an imprint on the world. I'm still eager, eager. But I had a thought today, of how it would be if I died young.

I want the day of my ceremony to be a cloudless rain, with the humid summer air covering the earth in a soft and gentle blanket. I want my people to stand outside in the rain without umbrellas, looking up at the sky, with the gentle drops of rain on their bare and naked faces. With their eyes closed, let the summer sweet rain fall, like gentle kisses from me. Remind them that this weather, this lovely beautiful warm caressing rain, is a day I would love.

I don't want anything grand or overdone. I want a love song at dawn, I want a candle on the river in the soft glow of twilight,  and my oh my, I want you to smile.

simplicity.

I believe in simplicity. Truly I do. 

On most days, I believe in the simplicity of words. Stripped and washed cleaned of any extra padding, hung out to dry in the humid sun, where the descriptive and over-fluffed words melt into the air and disappear. I believe in the strength of a single word. And the strength of a period in ending a thought. I think saying

I love you.

is more powerful than saying a million words proclaiming how much you love someone. It is sweet and tender, and whenever I see those three words followed by a simple, happy period, I am overjoyed. Other people don't understand this part of me, instead they think I'm being short or abrupt. They don't see the sweetness of a few well-placed words. I think of words like God or Peace or Awe and I know, deep in my bones, the light and the beautiful music that accompanies those words.

I think this concept, for me, is derived by the way I see nature and life and the world around me.  My heart pounds when I see a lone tree in a field, or the small creek bustling over some rocks, or a little girl drawing smileys on the sidewalk. I remember seeing photographs of these quaint, beautiful farm houses. Where a girl walked through the corn fields. Where two girls laid down on the crisp grass and pointed at constellations. I remember the images of wild horses running on the sand, while the tide of the ocean rolls in.  I want to draw these moments in, form a patchwork quilt of memories sewn into my skin.  

In truth, I am a simple person. I think I could look at a river all day, and think about how a person saw it five, ten, twenty years ago. How where I'm standing a little boy once stood, learning about fly fishing from his father (who in turn had learned it from his father). I think of the way the river carved through the earth, etching its place in this world. And most of all, the river runs simply, moving through life in a gentle cascade of motion.

today.

i talk until my voice gets hoarse and crass, like sandpaper on sound waves. i see my words bouncing off your head, hyperactive buoyancy on a trampoline. the crescendo increases, comes to a wave's breaking point and tumbles over the rocks. i can't help myself, i just want to be heard. is that such a bad thing, to want you to listen to me? is it such a bad thing if i ask you to stop, stop it cause you're hurting me. and you don't seem to understand.

i talk until my voice dims down, and i can't speak anymore. you tell me to be quiet, you're making a scene, and soon i'm dumbed down. too hurt to care and much too hurt to talk anymore.

physiology.

I have come to realize that physiology is all about balance and cause-and-effect. if one thing disturbs the inner peace that is your body, a mechanism, a motion, or an action is set forth to correct it. it's like a balancing act... teeter-totter, up and down, and around and around we go. everyday, we walk around without any concern for how we are living. or that with every breath we take, all the little cells in our body are dancing around frantically, moving things, holding onto precious things, letting go of the useless, ugly things in our lives.  and yet, in a moment, our body will fix itself. too much bicarb, or sodium, or potassium, or calcium or ADH or aldosterone, or any number of compounds, it's all under control. - on autopilot, cruise control. it's a well-oiled and experienced machine, with the responses already cocked and ready to fire. 


but the very essence of what makes us, well, us: our soul, our mind,our hearts, our character, our morality. whatever you want to call it. but that part of us, well, we have problems. we go through our whole lives fixing ourselves. we spend so much time patching up that broken heart, filling the empty hole in our soul, putting together the puzzle pieces of our sanity. we talk about our problems with therapists (or well meaning, but often times condescending, friends) until our throats are sore and our eyes are weary with tears. we write about the disappointments, the highs and lows. we spend energy, in volts and ounces and meters, thinking about that one moment over and over again. 


and i have come to realize that the two parts of us, physical and emotional, are two different halves of a whole. two twins that look nothing alike. on a normal day, our bodies are efficient, under control, functional. on a normal day, my mind would be lucky if it managed just one tiny moment of true functionality. 


-in general, i am just awed by our bodies, which does so much more in one day than I could ever hope to accomplish.